Ah summer, the time for rest and relaxation after a long semester of stress, all-nighters, and late night I-want-to-go-home calls to your mom after your roommate yells at you for leaving your tooth brush out on the sink again…. Summer! Now if you were good this last semester, you should be totes excited to show off your rockin’ hot beach bod in hopes of picking up a cute-ass summerboy. Lady Gaga would be so proud. But if you find yourself floating alone at the beach-each and wondering why that bikini top isn’t quite popping off, no need to worry! I’m here to let you know WHY no beach bums are knocking down your door to knock those boots.

Notice how she's alone on the beach-each.

1. He knows those eyes are NOT really blue; those colored contacts are not cute! Guys want someone who is confident with their natural beauty. He’d rather see your natural browns over your fake-ass blues. Beauty is natural. Boobs are a different story however…
   

   Don't let Rihanna fool you, you won't be finding love if you're this drunk.

2. There’s a difference between letting loose and being loose. No one wants the passed out girl at the party. Nobody wants what everyone else can get/has gotten. I’d say
   

   The higher the arch, the closer to god, the farther from boys.

   try to be Rihanna- Only Girl VS Rihanna- S&M. Class it up! At least make him buy you dinner BEFORE you take it off. That’s my personal rule…

3. Don’t dumb yourself down. Barbies are cute to play with for a short time, but they get annoying REAL FAST. I mean look at Nicki Minaj… Guys can totes tell when you’re in Barbie mode. I’m just trying to save you from that inevitable Kreayshawn call out “Bitch you ain’t no Barbie, I seen you work at Arby’s!”. Don’t say I didn’t warn you when she runs up!
4.  GET YO ASS OFF THAT COUNTER!  NOW! No ass-on-counter-pictures! You have successfully gained a slightly larger ass at the expense of losing all of society’s respect. Congratulations! Ask yourself “Would my mother approve of these pictures?” and if the answer is yes, chances are she’s a whore as well. (Just kidding, sort of.)
   

   Girl where's your class class class class class?

5. Take control of your text-life. Try to keep a balance. If you like a boy, text him. But don’t text him too often. It comes off as overbearing and desperate. But at the same time, when trying to play hard to get, don’t be too short handed, then he’ll think you’re not interested. Always remember, guys are stupid.
6. Everyone Facebook stalks, it’s a human right. Among the many Facebook atrocities you can commit, nothing compares to the dreaded “Modeling” album. If you’re not signed to an agency, don’t you ever in your life create an album entitled “Modeling.” And no, Instagram does NOT count as a modeling agency. You’re opening yourself up to a life of embarrassment and ridicule from myself and the rest of the world.
7. If your last Facebook status looks like a set of Adele lyrics. Nobody likes a Debby
   

   Rolling in the tears

   downer, a negative Nancy, or a sad-as-shit Sally. Lighten up! At lease lace in some pocketful of sunshine or love you like a love song! Happy is sexy!

8. Last but not least, STOP CALLING, STOP CALLING, HE DON’T WANT TO TALK ANYMORE.If he didn’t pick up the first time, why do you think he’ll pick up the third??? My idol always said “I got an ass so big like the sun.” –Trina. Now a man should
   

   Unless you're Beyonce, he's not picking up.

   know that, he should understand that, and he should want you for that, he should be calling you!

FINAL NOTE- Girls, Boys, Trannys… when you’re wondering why you’re not getting your Ryan Gosling to run around on the beach with, take a long, hard look in the mirror. No matter who you are, when you look in that mirror, smile. Smile so hard that anyone who is looking is blinded. I promise you, no matter how much or how little you’re wearing, that smile is what is going to pull him in.

Find your Peenis.

Happy summer! And may the odds be ever in your favor.