By: Geoff Sanders

So here it goes boy and girls, soon to be men and women. I am a Senior in college. Yes. If you are reading this then you are a curious upperclassmen with too much time on your hands, a lonesome acne-ridden high-schooler trying to figure out how to act older or my ideal demographic, the soon-to-be college freshman.

I feel as though I’m obligated to tell you what my three years of college have taught me so far. Okay, maybe obligated isn’t the word. Maybe “I was digging for a story-idea” is more appropriate; never-the-less, here we are. You are about to embark on a new voyage. You are embarking on a journey, an epic sage through sexual proliferation, alcoholic introduction, relationship hell and that little thing you sleep through in the morning…school.

Let’s start with class. CLASS! Aren’t you excited?! You motivated freshman eager to learn, eager to pursue a specific degree, eager to get out in the real world but not yet college experienced to realize all of that means nothing…I’m talking to you! Most of you will do the same thing. Right now you should all be going through some sort of college orientation. Around that time you will also be registering for classes. You think to yourself, “I’m so excited for college, and early classes will be a great way for me to free up the rest of my day!” Wrong. Dead wrong. College is not just about school people, college is about social life, drinking, partying, a lack of parental units, annoying room mates, all-nighters, listening to your roommate have loud sex and so…soooo much more!

Right now I’m looking at a pencil. So let’s use that as an analogy. When you start school, you are like a brand new sharpened pencil. There are only two very small parts of that pencil that are useful and useable – the tip and the eraser. Right now in your young life as a freshman your pencil is whole and therefore your ‘useable parts’ make up about 6 percent of the pencil. That stuff in the middle (the unused part of the pencil) is everything that gets in the way that grabs a hold of your life, and it is not until you become an experienced college student that the pencil wears down, and the percentage of useable pencil increases (think about it…). Damn…that analogy almost actually worked!

Back to you: the freshman, the pencil. What does all of this mean? This means that you must plan for all that stuff that will get in the way of your studies, and you must realize that this stuff is not only unavoidable but a necessary part of your college life. You must accept this and plan for this in your freshman year. What is this stuff? Let’s move on.

There have only ever been two cool fraternities in this world. The Lamda Lamda Lamda of the Nerds, and Delta Tau Chi of Faber College in Animal House. If you are not going in to one of these, you are probably an average looking Joe from high school that realized joining a frat not only gets you immediate status but also the village bicycle that comes with the house (she’s a Zeta so I hear…). Not that this is bad, but please go into this world with a dose of reality and perception. You are joining a frat to drink watered down beer and sleep with the sloppy seconds, and thirds, and fourths, but I digress. Why is this important? Well, herpes and ‘the drip’ take away from your learning and studies, and I hear the thousands of dollars you spend on the frat can be quite a drain each semester.

Ladies, join a sorority. You might ask why I am so positive about sororities and so negative about fraternities. It’s not the fact that sorority girls feel obligated to sleep with fraternity boys. It’s not even the incessantly large number of shirts for every dance or activity they have that they make. It definitely isn’t the low self-esteem issues, or the need to belong to something that gets me feeling me this way. It’s the fact that somewhere, deep down inside my body, I know that when those doors are closed to that sorority house, the dreams of men come alive! Pajama parties, naked group showers and more!! We know it happens, we’ve seen the documentary pornographic films! So ladies, by all means, become a ‘sister’ and do your thang.

There is really only one other issue that I feel I must bring to your attention, oh lonesome freshman. This is the issue of drinking and weight gain. I heard somewhere that something like 65 percent of Americans are overweight (okay I pulled that stat out of my ass, but I know it’s a majority of Americans). Your tight little high school bodies are about to be exposed to two factors that will wreak havoc on your flat stomach and tight thighs – beer and laziness. This combination will give you that awesome jiggle to your wiggle! Oh did I say awesome? I meant gross and unflattering. Do yourselves a favor soon-to-be freshman. Take a picture of yourself right now. When you get your dorm room, put that picture up on your mirror in your bathroom. When your first semester is over this year, take another picture and put that right next to your old one. I say do this because it is hard to see a gradual increase in weight because you see yourself every day. However, by this method, you will be able to clearly see the difference. Remember, the first step to solving a problem, is realizing you have a problem.

Freshman, you are about to start something great. Join your fraternities and sororities, gain your weight and skip your classes, but don’t forget…I warned you.